


The Mayo Fic

by orphan_account



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Balloons, Dildos Made of Balloons Filled With Mayonnaise, M/M, Mayonnaise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 20:22:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4759733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan doesn't like mayonnaise very much, but Brendon convinces him to try it.</p><p>[Try It, You'll Like It by Yo Gabba Gabba]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [how_its_going_to_be](https://archiveofourown.org/users/how_its_going_to_be/gifts).



> one day, parker randomly direct messaged me asking me to write a ryden mayonnaise fic, so here you go, parker
> 
> honestly this is one of the weirdest things i've written

“Let’s do something different tonight.”

Ryan shrugged. He was sitting on Brendon’s bed, naked and waiting for Brendon to find the condoms. “Whatever,” he told Brendon.

Brendon continued rummaging in the drawer for a few minutes before finally pulling out a jar of mayonnaise, a small funnel, and a long, green balloon.

Ryan looked skeptically at Brendon. "But I hate mayonnaise, Brendon," he said.

Brendon smirked. “Trust me,” he said. He began blowing up the balloon. Once he’d blown it up, he pinched the opening and inserted the funnel into the balloon. He began filling it with the mayonnaise.

“See,” he said as he worked, “I had all this mayo in my fridge, and I was like, ‘*potato*, what do I do with this *potato*?’ And, then, I was like, ‘Wait! I know!’ I mean, when life gives you mayo, make a dildo. Right?”

Brendon had tied the mayonnaise balloon and was now twisting it into the shape of a penis. When he finished, he held it up. 

“Get on your stomach,” he told Ryan.

Ryan didn’t see how this was a good idea, but he got on his stomach anyway. Brendon straddled him, and he felt Brendon’s fingers inside his anal hole, but they were covered in…

Ryan turned his head around. Brendon’s whole arm was covered in mayonnaise. He raised his eyebrows. Brendon was a strange partner. A very strange partner.

“You wanna watch it?”

Ryan hesitated. He’d never wanted to watch these things before… but this was his first time being *potato* by a mayonnaise balloon *potato*. “Sure.”

“Here,” Brendon said. He set the balloon next to him and flipped Ryan onto his back before straddling him again. He picked up the balloon and looked over at Ryan. “God, you’re hot,” he said. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Well… have you done this before? How do you… I mean, will it even go in? What about a condom? You know how to do this, right?”

Brendon shrugged.

“You’re just gonna wing it, then?”

“That’s the plan.”

Ryan thought for a moment. This couldn’t end that badly. Mayonnaise was pretty gross, but it couldn’t give him and STD or a pregnancy. Neither could a balloon.

“It’s fine,” Ryan said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Brendon smirked. “Is that a challenge?” 

Before Ryan could say anything, Brendon shoved the mayonnaise *potato* into Ryan’s anal hole. He began pushing it in and out so fast that Ryan could only see a mayonnaise-filled blur. 

“Oh, God-“

Ryan was cut off when Brendon leaned down and began kissing him. Brendon’s lips tasted like a combination of spaghetti and Mexican chicken.

Brendon broke the kiss to gasp for breath. 

“Mmm,” Ryan mumbled, “Bren, you taste so good…”

“What do I taste like, baby?” Brendon asked, still thrusting the mayonnaise balloon penis. Ryan felt himself becoming closer to the edge.

“Spaghetti and memeballs,” Ryan whispered.

“Memeballs?”

“Oh, God,” Ryan shouted. Brendon sounded like a million angels all singing at once whenever he spoke, and by simply hearing him say, ‘memeballs,’ Ryan felt like he couldn’t hold it in much longer.

“You like that, Ry? MEMEBALLS!” Brendon shouted, thrusting so hard that it hurt. “MEMEBALLS, RYAN, MEMEBALLS!”

All of a sudden, there was a loud pop, and Ryan felt the balloon explode inside of him, splattering his insides with mayonnaise. It was too much. Ryan threw his head back and cummed. “POLLO! LA CHICKEN DE VERDE MUY GUSTA DE LA FRITO! LA CHICKEN DE VERDE MUY GUSTA DE LA FRITO! LA CHICKEN DE VERDE MUY GUSTA DE LA FRITO! POLLO, POLLO! POYA!” he screamed.

Brendon flopped next to Ryan on the bed. “You liked it.”

“Mmm,” Ryan mumbled. “There’s mayonnaise in my anus, Bren.”

“You want to eat some dinner, then?”

“Hmm?”

“I was thinking we could have turkey sandwiches… with extra mayo.”

Ryan sighed. “You know,” he said, “I didn’t really like mayonnaise before, but I think it’s growing on me, Brendon.”


	2. Chapter 2

Ryan was right. The mayonnaise was growing on him.

Literally.

Little did Ryan and Brendon know, the mayonnaise didn't all come off after they showered, so the mayo gradually began growing mold.

Ryan began getting sick frequently, and one day, he completely passed out. Brendon took him to the doctor.

But it was too late.

The mayonnaise mold had completely covered his anus. 

They'd discovered it too late.

At Ryan's funeral, Brendon began sobbing and had to be escorted away.

"I love you," he whispered.

But it was too late.

**Author's Note:**

> i'd like to thank the academy 
> 
> no just kidding
> 
> i'd like to thank @ wentzturies on instagram for that bit where ryan does the orgasm scream
> 
> i'd like to thank @ franks.fr.th.mmrs on instagram for the 'spaghetti and memeballs' pun thing


End file.
